CatNav, Bionics and other Catty Powers

 
"The smallest feline is a masterpiece." (Leonardo da Vinci

). Never was a truer phrase uttered. 

It is with some pride that I applaud my fellow kin for demonstrating this truth so ably.

Last week Oscar (above) got custom-made artificial implants to replace his hind paws and is now truly Bionic - cue Oscar running in slow motion, with the voice over ".....we have the power to rebuild him......da da da daaaaaaa da da da da da da da da daaaaaaaa" (for those of you younger than 30 [I am 42 in Cat years], I am of course referring to the Six Million Dollar Man!). Now it is fair to say that Oscar must have been at the back of the queue when God handed out brains (the catty-word-on-the vine is that it is not a good idea

to take a nap in a  field with a combine harvester!) and if I were his owners I would get him a hearing aid too, since apparently he didn't hear the said machinery!

And then there is the heroic Karim, who having been left by his owner with caring neighbours (because she worried that he would not like to move to a new house), using what can only be described as "CatNav" turned up at his old owner's house 2000 miles away having trekked across Russia for two years!


My power? Well I am the James Dyson of the Catty World, currently developing a few ideas which my male owner (or as I prefer to refer to him "my staff") will present to Dragons' Den - I have still not forgiven him for poo-pooing my idea of "Ears on Crash Helmets", but as any cat will tell you, we all have enormous patience with the limitations of the Human-kind.
Strictly on the catty-down-low, in development are;-

• Infra-red-paw-activated-fridge-openers;
• Scratching-post-food-dispensers for cats who like to multi-task;
• Catty-Alchemy; turning water into milk

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior"(Hippolyte Taine). 
My female owner is under the misapprehension that I spend 16 or so hours a day asleep, when I am in actuality, working through complex design problems in my mind. To all my dear Followers, remember - I am Cat. A puzzle for which there is no solution.

"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God." - Unknown

Well this has been a week of National sporting contrasts. To my discerning catty eye, I have reason to compare the French Football Team to the Chartreux (pictured left, and known as the French cat because of its native land, France). While they may be sturdy, muscular, and statuesque  they are also completely mute; they purr, but cannot meow. Pedigree they (the Team, the Chartreux) may be, but utterly gutless and completely useless!!!! Excepted from this is Monsieur Mahut, who through his tenacious tennis (win or lose), could teach the French Football team a thing or two about pride and purpose.

Now I have nothing against pedigree - but when it comes to a battle of wits and guile there is nothing to compare to the Heinz-57-variety Moggy. I may not have provenance, but my female owner and I have a daily battle of wills which I always win; she puts me out after breakfast, and I spend the rest of the day trying to get back into the house by sitting at the kitchen window and using a variety of "cute-wide-eyed-doleful-expressions-coupled-with-pawing-pitifully-at-the-window-pane-and-mewing-like-a-frightened-kitten" tactics until she relents or is guilted into opening the window by our neighbours who have (like my soft-as-butter-male owner) fallen for my antics. Then at night, when I (like any self-respecting red-blooded-male-cat) want to be out on the "tiles" and she is trying to call me in, she chases me around the Estate where we live, while I keep just out of collar/scruff-grabbing range until I get weary and demand to be carried "Royally" back to our abode.

I am tenacious and relentless - there is a reason that there are 3 of my lion "kin" as symbols of England's pride. It has been said that "In the beginning, God created man, but seeing him so feeble, He gave him the cat". QED.

My thoughts on England's performance in the World Cup

Now I don't think much of the under-educated-over-paid-megalomaniac-Troglodytes who play football for England, but I observe that Mr. Capello looks like a cat-lover and I am sure he would welcome my thoughts on tactics - cat's are, after all, supreme tacticians and hugely insightful.

The major issue in the players' minds seems to be "the system" they have been using.While rearranging my Whiskas tins to teach my female owner the "off-side rule" I came upon the solution - problems with the system can be rectified by moving Steven Gerrard inside, just behind Wayne Rooney, and bringing Joe Cole into the team on the left-hand side.I honed this strategy further between catty-kibble-time, and washing my ears after supper last night. I do my best thinking when conducting my ablutions.

As for team meetings where the players threaten to tell him what to do (well, as it turns out, just John Terry - who in catty-circles is known as a "bit of a Tom Cat"), it can be both good and bad to have this kind of meeting. But honestly, can you imagine what sort of insights these players will make? Let's face it - if Rooney couldn't play football he would be wearing a fluorescent yellow jacket, sorting the rubbish skips at the local Amenity Dump. Footballers don't "do" good meetings - I am sure when they are asked if they have anything to say, they will have flashbacks to their school days, heads will go down, arms will be firmly folded and there will be incomprehensible mutterings as they shake their heads and leave the room.

Mr. Capello is known to be regimented and a disciplinarian. If his calls to his players for discipline and loyalty don't work, I suggest he utilises "mummy cat" tactics when bringing ill-disciplined kittens into line - grab them by the scruff and bite their ears!