Kitty Advent

Well it appears to be THAT time of year again - the time that humans start to prepare for that ritual of bringing a dead tree into the living room and eating foodstuffs out of socks! And when I pray that my owners forget about the Cat-sized "funny" Christmas Tuxedo and Reindeer Antlers they insist will make me look cute!

On Wednesday you can start to open your Advent Calendar, and for your delectation here is The Kitty Advent.

Day 1:- The "joy" that is the deleted Christmas Card list as your Kitty walks across the keyboard and pressed the "delete" button!

Day 2:- Order the Turkey for the Christmas Dinner and the back-up Turnkey to replace the one that Kitty started to scoff in the few moments between you taking it out of the oven to "rest" and you answering the front door to your guests!

Day 3:- Start the Christmas Pudding - remember that everyone in the house must stir the pudding whether you invite them to or not, so that means Kitty too. After all you can always pick out the fur afterwards!

Day 4:- Dig out the Christmas Tree baubles and take them out of their boxes just as the telephone rings.....

Day 5:- Visit local store to replace the broken Christmas Baubles that Kitty slapped about the living room floor after she hooked them out of the box you left on the floor, when you answered the phone.

Day 6:- Take Kitty to Vet to remove shard of said Christmas bauble from her left paw.

Day 7:- Take the Christmas lights out of the box and spend hours after work unwinding them from the tangled mess of wires.

Day 8:- Untangle the wires again, since you left them in the living room with Kitty while you were at work, and the temptation for her to "play" was too much to bear.

Day 9:- Test the lights and find that in Kitty's "play time" she had chewed through some of the wire and so there is a broken link, but you have no idea where it is!

Day 10:- Second visit to local store to replace Christmas lights.

Day 11:- Bring home the dead tree and place it in living room in the sand-weighted bucket to acclimatise.

Day 12:- Clear up mess created by the falling tree that occurred when Kitty climbed to the top, got scared , panicked and jumped, while the tree topples into the mantel sending ornaments and the sand in the bucket all over the living room floor!

Day 13:- Attempt to place lights on tree with playful Kitty around your legs and the base of the ladder, in an apparent attempt to overturn the ladder and cause Cat-icide and make this your last Christmas ever!

Day 14:- Hang baubles taking care to hang none lower than the tip of Kitty's tail, to avoid them being knocked off by the over zealous rubbing of said Kitty against the tree base and the base branches.

Day 15:- Go Christmas shopping remembering to buy Kitty Christmas treats, such as an irresistible Catnip Toy and all the wrapping paper and bows and ribbons for the presents. Throw bags down by door and fall into an exhausted heap on sofa for the rest of the day.

Day 16:- Clear up the shredded mess that occurred after Kitty went into heated frenzy upon smelling the Catnip, whose potent aroma apparently also imbued its irresistible properties to anything else that was in the bag with it (who knew?), and emptied the contents of the said bags on to the floor and then shredded all the wrapping paper and bows.

Day 17:-Take third trip to store to buy replacement wrapping paper and bows, and this time when you get home go straight upstairs and place them safely in the cupboard. Go back half and hour later, open cupboard door and remove Kitty.

Day 18:- Start wrapping presents.

1. Clear large space on table for wrapping presents. 2. Go to cupboard and collect bags and boxes in which presents are stored and close door. 3. Open door and remove Kitty from Cupboard. 4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper. 5. Go back and remove Kitty from cupboard. 6. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc. 7. Lay out present and wrapping materials on table. 8. Remove presents from bag. 9. Remove Kitty from bag. 10. Open box to remove presents from box. 11. Remove Kitty from box. Have stiff drink and decide that's enough for today.

Day 19:- Lay out paper to enable cutting to size, try to keep the cutting line straight despite Kitty chasing scissors and scuffling with rustling wrapping paper. Throw away first sheet because Kitty tore a hole in it. Cut second piece of paper with one hand while holding back Kitty with the other. Place present on paper while cutting small lengths of transparent sticky tape to stick on side of table ready for use. Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape (that attached itself to Kitty as she rubbed herself against the table), with pair of nail scissors. Have stiff drink and decide that's enough for today. The blood from the scratches Kitty administered was ruining the wrapping paper anyway!

Day 20:- Have stiff drink first, and retrieve roll of ribbon that Kitty has chased down the hallway. Repeat Day 19 with one exception - lock Kitty outside. Manage to wrap only five presents before giving in to the incessant scratching of Kitty at the door. Sigh, put the rest of the presents back in the box and let Kitty in. Put box back in cupboard.

Day 21. Hear distant mewing in the morning, spend the time you should be having breakfast trying to find out where the mewing is coming from. Open cupboard to find Kitty in present box. Go to work hungry!

Days 22 - 23. Frantically try to wrap the rest of the presents, having running battle with Kitty to keep her out of the box, away from the ribbons and wrapping paper and sticky-tape free. The best place for this task seems to be the downstairs bathroom - cramped, but try your best! Label all presents and place under the tree. Finally retire, making certain you are alone and the door is locked behind you. 

Day 24:- The dawn of Christmas Eve brings the realisation that the reason you could not find Kitty all morning is because she was locked in the living room with the tree and the presents and no litter tray! Who knew that shredded wrapping paper was so akin to litter tray granules! Not so absorbent sadly. Take fourth trip to store to buy replacement wrapping paper and bows, along with all the thousands of other frantic "last minute shoppers". Wonder if the RSPCA could "Kitty-Sit" for a few hours while you wrap presents and decide if you do want Kitty back!

Day 25:- Peace and Goodwill to All Men .....and Kittys....and decide that next year you will just buy festive gift bags and drop the presents into them on Christmas Eve......
Fah-lah-lah-la-la-lah-la-la-laaaaaaaaaaaaah

Southern by the grace of God

My male owner has to work away from home this week in a place called Manchester. Frankly why anyone would want to go North of Catford defies me, but his endeavours provide my tins, so I will not question his motives.

I have not been to The North, and since I have a dislike of Whippets, flat-caps and battered-and-fried-confectionery, I am left wondering what my Northern Catty-kin are like? Would I have much in common with the Scouser-Mousers or Manchester-Moggies? Do Lancashire Cats wear clogs on "thea paws and spark 'em on t' kerbsides while waiting ahtside o' t' mill?"

Amongst my Southern Catty-kin I have heard many jokes about Northern Catty-kin;

Why do Northern Catty-kin prefer mushy cat food in their bowls rather than round kibble?

Because they can't keep the round kibble on their knives!

Why should you never ask Northern Catty-kin if they come from Yorkshire?

Because if they are not from Yorkshire, they'll be insulted. And if they are from Yorkshire, they'd have told you already.

Northern Catty-kin can always tell when they or their owners have crossed the border into the South because Southerners keep fruit on the sideboard when nobody is sick.

A much beloved pet, Northern Catty-kin "Tiddles" dies, and her owner asks the stonemason for a headstone with the words: 'Lord, she was thine'. The stonemason writes: 'Lord she was thin'. The owner says: '"You've missed off the e, you'll have to do it again." Weeks later the owner goes to see the stone on the little grave he had dug for Tiddles, and it now reads: 'Ee Lord she was thin'. 

I speak the Queen's Meowlish with a distinguished flair. Although from Dorset (Daa'set) I have not adopted that slow rounded drawl, and I have no idea how I would understand the mewsings of my flat-vowelled Northern Kin. 

Would we have anything in common to mew about? Would I come across Northern Catty-kin celebrating another triumph with their large Leeks in the local vegetable show? Would they keep referring to "Our Kid" when talking about younger Kin? Would I ever get past the fact that when they ask me if "I want me tea?", they are either asking me if I want a beverage or my evening repast?

My worries have been somewhat allayed by finding this wonderful translation site (click on this link) which translates Southern Meowlish into all sorts of Northern Dialects. Always willing to share my insights as widely as possible, using this site I will set about translating my mewsings. Let's start with the pleasantries.

"Hello my Northern Catty-kin, my name is Mr Patterson. How do you do?"

Translated;-

Yorkshire meowlish:-"Ayup uz Northern Catty-kin, uz nem is Mr. Patterson. 'A does thee doa?"

Scouse meowlish:- "Ariite me Northern Catty-kin, me name is Misti Pattisin. 'Ow do yous do?"

Brummie meowlish:- "Allroyt me Northern Catty-kin, oim Mr. Patterson. 'Oo d'ya does?"

Geordie meowlish:- "Aareet me Neerthern Catty-kin, me nyem is Mr. Patterson. Ha d'ya dee?"

Scottie meowlish (or Scotmeowlish):- "Awrite mah Northern Catty-kin, mah nam is Mr. Patterson. Hoo dae ye dae?"

Goodness this is exhausting!  

In the spirit of all Southern English Cats before me I shall just assume that everyone speaks (or should learn to speak) the Queen's Meowlish and if they cannot understand me "ooop North", I shall just meow louder and more slowly!

Mimi, my Nemesis!

I have been reading with interest this week about the UK Government's plans to reform social welfare so that those who can work do work. All this talk of those who lie around the house doing nothing, not contributing to society and being feckless, made me think about my own situation.

Since joining my current owners I have admittedly put on some weight, but have always maintained that the illusion of my widening girth is caused by the lushness of my fur which makes me look like I have my "winter coat" all year long!

But I have to admit that now I am beginning to look like the "before" picture of a diet/fitness regime advertisement, and have been suffering from Cat-Apathy! The trouble is I have always maintained that in my past 4 lives I was a workaholic and so it was high time that I fostered a lazier attitude in my last 5 lives, added to which there is an enormous amount of peer pressure to remain useless!

When your owners lavish you with food, attention and a private indoor bathroom, there is little incentive to be active, so I maintain that I had no choice! But now that my male owner has started to refer to me as "Jabba the Hutt Cat" when I sit back on my haunches to wash my underbelly(!), and my female owner strains when she picks me up, I have decided that it is not my fault that they that have no idea of portion control and that encouraging me to have a sedentary lifestyle is exposing me to the number one Catty Killer ahead of curiosity!

Enough is enough; I am going to demand a smaller dish and always leave a small amount of Catty kibble at each meal! Paul McKenna"eat" your heart out!

To make matters worse, the word on the Catty grapevine is that my former position as the "Dorset-vermin assassin" has been filled.

My previous owners procured me in order to manage the vermin problem on their land, having been assured that I was a veracious hunter with finely honed assassin instincts. Unfortunately for them this was a classic case of a "trade description scam", since I believe I came with the descriptor, "Will Ignore You and Destroy Your Furniture for Food". In any event I enjoyed the chase rather than the kill, and my appetite was only heightened by the efforts - capable of eating my weight in Catty kibble, I did not "earn my keep" and was sadly disappointing. 

My semi-feral-lithe-Nemesis is called Mimi and is lauded as a prolific serial killer who prefers to live outside, hates being picked up and is known as The Terminator in rodent circles! I have to admit I am miffed to have been replaced by such a accomplished creature, and am going to keep this information on the Catty-down-low in and about my current 'Hood, because I don't want my hard earned Rep to be destroyed by a GIRL!

In the meantime, the new fitness and diet regime will start today after the weekend soon.....Well, I have to exhaust my current supply of food, before ordering their low fat replacements, don't I (?), since I am always being told that there are Catty-kin in Ethiopia who would be very grateful for my food, if I deign to complain about my owners' offerings!

Until then I shall work on my biceps with a tin of Whiskas in each paw, use my scratching post as a sort of punch bag to work on my upper body strength, and stop snagging morsels from my owners' plates! No more eating between meals either. Now, how many calories are there in spiders, flies and my male owner's slippers?!

Home Alone

I have been abandoned! I am all alone in the World! I am unloved......

Well, what else do you call it when your owners go away for 4 whole nights leaving you at the mercy of surrogate feeders! While I admit that the people my owners have chosen are very kind, they don't know exactly how I like my food dishes to be arranged, they are not privy to the "special" nicknames lavished upon me by my soppy owners, and they have yet to invite me to sleep on their feet at the end of their bed, and as such they are poor substitutes!

To make matter worse, it appears my owners have gone to stay at a place a few miles away from my previous 7 homes! Not wishing to be paranoid, but could it be they are in negotiations for the upcoming Catty-Transfer-Window (akin to the Football Transfer Window) and are planning to pass me onto my 9th home and back to Dorset?

I have been racking my brains to understand why such transfer would be deemed necessary? I have amused my owners, submitted to their demands for cuddles and kisses (yuk!), and tolerated their foibles and strange demands that I do not sharpen my claws on the furniture! The only possible reason for transfer would be because of my superior intellect and wisdom, they feeling inadequate by contrast, and are seeking to offload me rather than try and elevate themselves to the "high bar" I have set!

Since I have no Manager, I have been "sold" very short on my previous 7 transfers - no £200,000 per week or transfer fee for me, Mr. Rooney! Just packed off with my Catty Carrier, Litter Tray and leftover food and off I went!

I have decided to order several "pay-per-view" movies while they are away - after all, I will say innocently, "Exactly how long did you expect a ball of wool to amuse me?" I have also decided that I will be very "offish" when my errant owners return, withholding my affections and limiting contact to feeding times, until I know the "score". If I am to be required to pack my water dish and feeding bowl into my spotty handkerchief, I shall leave with dignity and my Catty whiskers held aloft - oh, and leaving a fresh fish to "mature" behind a room vent, or under the car seat, for good measure! Hell hath no fury like Catty-kin scorned!

In the meantime I will take the Chav-set Rooney's lead and book myself a recuperating rest away in Dubai!

It's Catty Flu Season

My male owner had "man flu" last week - whilst feeling sympathy for him with his runny nose and sneezing fits, needless to say I raised our household "Germ-Alert-Threat-Status" from Amber to Red, and frantic paw washing was instigated so that I and my female did not catch the dreaded virus! I must keep her well, since upon checking the larder, I noticed that I was down to my last two tins of cat food, and I have yet to embrace Internet Shopping!

They say that the virus is not transferable from human to animal, but with the amount of fussing and kissing (Brrrrrrrr...yuk!!) I get from both my owners I am taking no chances, and in any event, I am sure they said that about swine-human transfer 30 years ago!!

After dashing off a quick typed checklist (below) for both my owners listing the early symptoms of Cat Flu to enable swift intervention, and purchasing my swine flu mask, I realised to my horror that there is no insurance upon my person! 

I can understand that investing in Catty Life Insurance would be fruitless, because in order for the Company to pay out I would have to die nine times! But to have no "health insurance" is worrying. I have seen the state of the Human National Health Service and to be honest I am more of a "Private-Room-One-to-One-Care" sort of Cat! I just don't "do" rows of Cat-beds in crammed wards with harassed nurses, and would require hourly health checks, First Class food and regular fussing to recover from any ailment!

Until such health insurance is instigated I have decided to have a self-imposed "house arrest", which is timely, since the weather has taken an Autumnal turn to the colder and wetter, and so this has conveniently provided me with the excuse not to leave the house for almost a week!

As always, I like to take the "belt and braces" approach, and so taking my lead from the sort of "restroom" cleanliness checking schedules I have seen in restaurant/service station establishments, I have set up a spreadsheet detailing the following symptoms, and have stuck this on my female owners' office door, with hourly check boxes for her to initialise, having inspected me for the onset of any symptoms. 

If she forgets to make such checks, I have kept my claws sharpened on her leather chair, and a swift "reminder claw swipe" should suffice!

I think I may be in danger of becoming a hypochondriac.....or it may be that it is the big brain tumour I may have that is making me think I am a hypochondriac! Hmmmmmmm?

The Eyes: swollen and red with a "pus like" discharge?	09:00 initial when checked	10:00	11:00	12:00 – 21:00 etc
The Nose: sneezing; discharge? (first clear then, dear God, turning thick and green); loss of sense of smell?
Fever; loss of Appetite:  dehydration and refusal to drink water?
The Mouth and Tongue: ulceration of tongue, palate, lips; tip of nose; drooling?
Joint pain? Limping?
Paws: ulcers?