I'm not lazy, I am thinking

I have graced my owners with my presence for two years, this week. I understand that "Paper" is the traditional gift for this auspicious occasion, but I hope that my male owner does not think that changing my litter tray with that eco-friendly-recycled-paper-cat litter (which my female owner insists on buying), will suffice as an acceptable gift!

In two short years I have dedicated much time to training my owners and in accordance with protocol I have also instituted a Feline Bill of Rights:-

1. Humans shall make no law respecting an establishment of boundaries or prohibiting the free exercise therein, or abridging the freedom of access, or the right to peaceful assembly. Human translation: I am entitled to go outside anytime I want.
2. The right of the feline to be secure in their domain and effects against unreasonable discomposure, shall not be violated. Human translation: I am entitled to SLEEP anytime I want.
3. Humans shall issue no warrants or decrees or edicts as prescribed to the demarcation of possessions or property which are in direct conflict with right of life, liberty and the pursuit of feline affirmation. Human translation: I am entitled to sleep ANYWHERE I want.
4. Neither serfdom, vassalage, or involuntary servitude will be tolerated, except by said cats in proprietorship of their humans. Human translation: What I say goes.
5. The right of the feline to be protected against unreasonable search and seizures shall not be breached or infringed upon at anytime or any place. Human translation: Don't disturb me when I am sleeping.

As a Learned Cat of Science I have also acquainted my owners with some Fundamental Laws of Leonine Physics:-

Law of Cat Inertia:
I will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of the fridge.
I must sleep with my owners whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for my owners as is possible.

Law of Obedience Resistance

My obedience resistance increases in direct proportion to my female owner’s increased desire for me to do something (or as I put it simply for her, the more she wants me to do something the more I don’t do it).

Law of Cat Fur Magnetics

All my male owner’s work suits and my female owner’s jumpers will attract my fur in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Scratching Activity

My desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture and the number of scratch posts my owners buy.

Law of Cat Disinterest

My interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort my male owner expends in trying to interest me.

I have magnanimously imparted some of my extensive knowledge with my owners. I have shown them that they should trust nothing, even when entering a room for the first time, they should examine and make acquaintance with everything.

As we enter our third year together, the start has been somewhat dampened by my female owner's evident envy at my ability to ignore the cares and chores of daily life and to relax completely. She had the most entertaining "hissy fit" this weekend when it appeared that her "fur-removing-apparatus" proved unworthy of the job of sucking up the abundance of my Summer-fur offerings around our abode, and "died". I can't understand her aversion to my fur coating the carpets, the furniture, her pillows.... if my fur gets in her mouth, why not just formulate a nice sticky fur-ball and deposit it by the side of the bed?- works for me!

This year I will move my attentions from Science to Philosophy, and teach my human owners;

"All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it." (Samuel Butler).

Yogi Patterson

Nameste (pron; Naam-mas-tey - meaning "I bow to you") Dear Reader

My female owner has just started to go to a class she calls Pilates. She went to her first session last week, and I was rather surprised that she did not return with an eye patch, a peg-leg and a parrot!

Anyway, I digress.

Apparently this Pilates is some sort of class where she learns to stretch, gain flexibility, core strength and awareness to support efficient and graceful movement. AHEM!!!! Female owner........does anybody you know already know how to do all of that?

Do you not marvel everyday when I wake and stretch? Don't you wish that you could elongate every muscle in your body as I do? Am I not as graceful as...well ...a Cat?

It seems I am missing a trick here - apparently you Humans will pay others to teach you how to do what we Cats have been doing for millennia! And we've been showing this expertise to you for free! Not even a tin of Whiskas has passed between us for this wisdom!

There you sit at your desk in front of your flickering screen.....well look at you now....slumped, hunched forward, stressed.


Take five minutes with me now - I have been busy catching my usual 40,000 winks (some Catty maths for you - 40,000 winks = 40,000 secs = 11.1 hours sleep) and am about to go through my usual Catty stretches (which I believe you Humans have stolen and now call "Yoga").

Yogi Patterson's five minute stretch - to be done very very slowly


1.  Sit up straight. Inhale. Raise your front paws above your head, and place your palm-paws against one another. Interlace all your fingers, except your index finger. Allow these fingers to rest against one another. Exhale. Hold and breath in and out slowly. Gently lean backward, allowing the spine to arch slightly. Look up. If the back of your chair is at the right level, you can lower yourself backward and use it as a support for the posture.

2.  Sit upright. Inhale. Place your left paw on your right thigh, or on the right arm of your chair. Place your right paw on the back of the chair. As you exhale, gently twist your body around to the right. Hold and breathe slowly in and out.

Return to center. Repeat the pose on the other side.

3.  Sit upright. Inhale. Place your left paw on your thigh, or the arm of your chair. Lift your right paw upward. As you exhale, lean your body to the left, using the arm of your chair as a support. Hold, and breath slowly in and out.
Return to centre. Repeat the pose on the other side.

4.  Sit up straight. Inhale. Bend right paw at elbow, lift it and place it between your shoulders on your back behind you head. Bend the left paw at the elbow, and place it between your shoulders on your back and try to touch the fingers of your right paw. Breathe slowly in and out. Return to rest. Repeat the pose on the other side.

Now bring your two palm-paws together and bow.

Don't know about you, but I have the munchies now! Catty-kibble here I come!

New beginnings and farewells

Last week four of my fellow Kitten-kin graced themselves upon two new owners - Kittens Nelson and Domino to one new home, Kittens Tabby and Tortoiseshell to the other. Even to my jaded World-weary eye, they are darned cute!

Ahhh to be Kitten-cute again................ any misdemeanour can be quashed with the tilt of a tiny head, rolling over to expose an impossibly fluffy tummy, or just a simple purrrrr - breaks the Human heart that they cannot purr back!....but I digress......ahem!

My Dear Little-Kin, after 8 sets of owners I have gleaned the following seven pillars of Catty wisdom - in the words of our fellow cat-looky-likee-Guru, Yoda, "Follow it you will" - ;

• Your owners will not like it if you accompany them to the bathroom, and then sit and stare (female owners sitting on their tall white litter tray find this very disconcerting for some reason!)

• While it is possible to demand doors to be opened (by standing on back legs and hammering with front paws), remember that your owners will not like it if you then choose not to use the newly opened door. They will also get agitated if you order an "outside" door to be opened and then stand halfway in and out, just thinking (this annoyance is increased if it is very cold weather, rain, or snow)

• You will often find that one of your Humans will be engaged in some “busy” activity and the other will be idle (often the male). While I know that busy Humans are like Kitten-nip (baby Catnip), try not to pursue the busy one – even though you think you are "helping”. However if feeling peckish or in need of a cuddle, remember that when the busy one is cooking, sit just behind her left heel. Since you are tiny, and cannot be seen, you stand a better chance of being stepped upon. This will result in being picked up and comforted – "guilty" treats will always follow using this failsafe method.

• Humans like to do something called “paperwork” - to counteract your inevitable boredom, lie on the said paper, roll around scattering it with open claws, and if removed, push pens, pencils, mobile phones etc off the table, one at a time.

• Humans love being scared; jump on the back of the newspaper as they read or on the back of the sofa as they sit watching the TV (particularly if the room is dark).  

• When using your litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible - there is nothing like the feel of your used litter under Human feet in the morning.

• Finally, since you are going to a new home, and your new owners will feel worried that you may run away or get lost, take time to find a really good hiding place, where they cannot find you. For the truly gifted Kitten, the space behind the fridge/dishwasher/or even better the cooker are fantastic places. These have the additional benefit that you may meet new people when your new owners have to call someone they call a "Plumber" to remove the said appliance to get you out. Whatever happens, do not come out for at least four hours. When you do come out, your panicked new owners will cover you with love and kisses. 

Go forth little Kin, and train your new owners until they are putty in your tiny paws. Remember, "Cats were put into the world to disprove the dogma that all things were created to serve man." (Paul Gray).

It was with great sadness that last week I also had to say goodbye to my neighbour Zeus. True to his name (as King of the Gods), he oversaw our Catty-Universe and saw me as the Young Pretender to his Crown. We sparred a few times, and I pitied him for being a Ginger, but he was a valiant opponent and he fought off the Grim Rea-purrr for as long as he could. I am certain that many Cats (but very few people) I know will go to Heaven (where there are no doors, kibble fountains, scratching post Trees, and millions of fluffy Catnip pillows).

Farewell my copper coloured friend; No heaven will not ever Heaven be, unless my cats are there to welcome me (Anon).

There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats

It has been said; "There are many intelligent species in the Universe. They are all owned by cats"

In these hot and balmy Summer days, as I watch my owners sweat, pant, and gripe about the heat, I have been lying resplendent in various cool places about the house, and have been analysing my owners and other bipeds with respect to their usefulness.

Millions of my fellow felines have acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures. Catty forums are full of posts wondering why we have bothered to grace them with our presence? The only logical answer seems to be that they have opposable thumbs, so are perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors, getting the lids off food cans, all activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves (Chimps, orangutans et al also have opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train).

Unfortunately they have many flaws. They often erroneously assume that there are other, more important activities (working, sleeping, watching TV) than taking care of my immediate needs. Though this is usually dreadfully inconvenient, I have made this work to my advantage by pestering them at opportune moments - I choose several "tried and tested" methods; -

• Sitting on my owners' keyboards while they try and .....qwuqeuerirotioeraghdgz (oooops sorry!), type! 
• Using the stairs as if they were a racetrack - tripping them helps, because they fall faster than I can run, and so get to my bowl more quickly;
• Clawing, meowing, getting my paw under the edge of the bathroom door and “mock” trying to pull the door open when they are doing their most personal of ablutions;
• Since there is no “snooze” button on a cat who wants breakfast, I find that sleep deprivation is very good for owner-training. Between 3:30 and 4:30 is the optimal “owner-waking” time for my first meal of the day. I begin with meowing at one-second intervals for about 5 minutes at the side of the bed (my male owner is the lighter sleeper so I always start with his side first), and if this does not result in them rising in a bleary-eyed-incoherent haze-heading-for-the-kitchen, I escalate to pawing their sleeping face, followed by full-clawed scratching. To avoid suspicion, I vary the scratch site periodically.

Sometimes, my owners have not responded acceptably to my best training efforts, and I have had to resort to punishment. For the amateur, obvious punishments are scratching furniture, eating household plants, etc. I have achieved a subtle advanced level. My particular favourites are; -

• Using my litter tray for number 2s, just as they sit down to a formal supper with guests; 
• Feigning regurgitating a hairball over my male owner’s laptop;  
• Presenting my female owner with the thoughtful “gift” of a recently disemboweled small rodent. If I am feeling particularly aggrieved, said rodent will be barely alive but still capable of jumping frantically around the kitchen floor. 

I have “mixed and matched” my various owners, and in the end most of them are pretty much the same.

They are however, far superior to other “non-owning-or-Cat-hating” bipeds (who will incidentally be reincarnated as mice – yum!). These “alien bipeds” appear to not appreciate my fur on their clothes - If I am not supposed to sleep on the best chair in the living room, why is it called "fur"niture? As far as I am concerned I am my owner’s fur-child – except unlike most children I eat less, don't ask for money, don’t require the use of their car, don't smoke or drink, and won’t require funding for University!