I'm not lazy, I am thinking

I have graced my owners with my presence for two years, this week. I understand that "Paper" is the traditional gift for this auspicious occasion, but I hope that my male owner does not think that changing my litter tray with that eco-friendly-recycled-paper-cat litter (which my female owner insists on buying), will suffice as an acceptable gift!

In two short years I have dedicated much time to training my owners and in accordance with protocol I have also instituted a Feline Bill of Rights:-

1. Humans shall make no law respecting an establishment of boundaries or prohibiting the free exercise therein, or abridging the freedom of access, or the right to peaceful assembly. Human translation: I am entitled to go outside anytime I want.
2. The right of the feline to be secure in their domain and effects against unreasonable discomposure, shall not be violated. Human translation: I am entitled to SLEEP anytime I want.
3. Humans shall issue no warrants or decrees or edicts as prescribed to the demarcation of possessions or property which are in direct conflict with right of life, liberty and the pursuit of feline affirmation. Human translation: I am entitled to sleep ANYWHERE I want.
4. Neither serfdom, vassalage, or involuntary servitude will be tolerated, except by said cats in proprietorship of their humans. Human translation: What I say goes.
5. The right of the feline to be protected against unreasonable search and seizures shall not be breached or infringed upon at anytime or any place. Human translation: Don't disturb me when I am sleeping.

As a Learned Cat of Science I have also acquainted my owners with some Fundamental Laws of Leonine Physics:-

Law of Cat Inertia:
I will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of the fridge.
I must sleep with my owners whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for my owners as is possible.

Law of Obedience Resistance

My obedience resistance increases in direct proportion to my female owner’s increased desire for me to do something (or as I put it simply for her, the more she wants me to do something the more I don’t do it).

Law of Cat Fur Magnetics

All my male owner’s work suits and my female owner’s jumpers will attract my fur in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Scratching Activity

My desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture and the number of scratch posts my owners buy.

Law of Cat Disinterest

My interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort my male owner expends in trying to interest me.

I have magnanimously imparted some of my extensive knowledge with my owners. I have shown them that they should trust nothing, even when entering a room for the first time, they should examine and make acquaintance with everything.

As we enter our third year together, the start has been somewhat dampened by my female owner's evident envy at my ability to ignore the cares and chores of daily life and to relax completely. She had the most entertaining "hissy fit" this weekend when it appeared that her "fur-removing-apparatus" proved unworthy of the job of sucking up the abundance of my Summer-fur offerings around our abode, and "died". I can't understand her aversion to my fur coating the carpets, the furniture, her pillows.... if my fur gets in her mouth, why not just formulate a nice sticky fur-ball and deposit it by the side of the bed?- works for me!

This year I will move my attentions from Science to Philosophy, and teach my human owners;

"All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it." (Samuel Butler).