Southern by the grace of God

My male owner has to work away from home this week in a place called Manchester. Frankly why anyone would want to go North of Catford defies me, but his endeavours provide my tins, so I will not question his motives.

I have not been to The North, and since I have a dislike of Whippets, flat-caps and battered-and-fried-confectionery, I am left wondering what my Northern Catty-kin are like? Would I have much in common with the Scouser-Mousers or Manchester-Moggies? Do Lancashire Cats wear clogs on "thea paws and spark 'em on t' kerbsides while waiting ahtside o' t' mill?"

Amongst my Southern Catty-kin I have heard many jokes about Northern Catty-kin;

Why do Northern Catty-kin prefer mushy cat food in their bowls rather than round kibble?

Because they can't keep the round kibble on their knives!

Why should you never ask Northern Catty-kin if they come from Yorkshire?

Because if they are not from Yorkshire, they'll be insulted. And if they are from Yorkshire, they'd have told you already.

Northern Catty-kin can always tell when they or their owners have crossed the border into the South because Southerners keep fruit on the sideboard when nobody is sick.

A much beloved pet, Northern Catty-kin "Tiddles" dies, and her owner asks the stonemason for a headstone with the words: 'Lord, she was thine'. The stonemason writes: 'Lord she was thin'. The owner says: '"You've missed off the e, you'll have to do it again." Weeks later the owner goes to see the stone on the little grave he had dug for Tiddles, and it now reads: 'Ee Lord she was thin'. 

I speak the Queen's Meowlish with a distinguished flair. Although from Dorset (Daa'set) I have not adopted that slow rounded drawl, and I have no idea how I would understand the mewsings of my flat-vowelled Northern Kin. 

Would we have anything in common to mew about? Would I come across Northern Catty-kin celebrating another triumph with their large Leeks in the local vegetable show? Would they keep referring to "Our Kid" when talking about younger Kin? Would I ever get past the fact that when they ask me if "I want me tea?", they are either asking me if I want a beverage or my evening repast?

My worries have been somewhat allayed by finding this wonderful translation site (click on this link) which translates Southern Meowlish into all sorts of Northern Dialects. Always willing to share my insights as widely as possible, using this site I will set about translating my mewsings. Let's start with the pleasantries.

"Hello my Northern Catty-kin, my name is Mr Patterson. How do you do?"

Translated;-

Yorkshire meowlish:-"Ayup uz Northern Catty-kin, uz nem is Mr. Patterson. 'A does thee doa?"

Scouse meowlish:- "Ariite me Northern Catty-kin, me name is Misti Pattisin. 'Ow do yous do?"

Brummie meowlish:- "Allroyt me Northern Catty-kin, oim Mr. Patterson. 'Oo d'ya does?"

Geordie meowlish:- "Aareet me Neerthern Catty-kin, me nyem is Mr. Patterson. Ha d'ya dee?"

Scottie meowlish (or Scotmeowlish):- "Awrite mah Northern Catty-kin, mah nam is Mr. Patterson. Hoo dae ye dae?"

Goodness this is exhausting!  

In the spirit of all Southern English Cats before me I shall just assume that everyone speaks (or should learn to speak) the Queen's Meowlish and if they cannot understand me "ooop North", I shall just meow louder and more slowly!