Mimi, my Nemesis!

I have been reading with interest this week about the UK Government's plans to reform social welfare so that those who can work do work. All this talk of those who lie around the house doing nothing, not contributing to society and being feckless, made me think about my own situation.

Since joining my current owners I have admittedly put on some weight, but have always maintained that the illusion of my widening girth is caused by the lushness of my fur which makes me look like I have my "winter coat" all year long!

But I have to admit that now I am beginning to look like the "before" picture of a diet/fitness regime advertisement, and have been suffering from Cat-Apathy! The trouble is I have always maintained that in my past 4 lives I was a workaholic and so it was high time that I fostered a lazier attitude in my last 5 lives, added to which there is an enormous amount of peer pressure to remain useless!

When your owners lavish you with food, attention and a private indoor bathroom, there is little incentive to be active, so I maintain that I had no choice! But now that my male owner has started to refer to me as "Jabba the Hutt Cat" when I sit back on my haunches to wash my underbelly(!), and my female owner strains when she picks me up, I have decided that it is not my fault that they that have no idea of portion control and that encouraging me to have a sedentary lifestyle is exposing me to the number one Catty Killer ahead of curiosity!

Enough is enough; I am going to demand a smaller dish and always leave a small amount of Catty kibble at each meal! Paul McKenna"eat" your heart out!

To make matters worse, the word on the Catty grapevine is that my former position as the "Dorset-vermin assassin" has been filled.

My previous owners procured me in order to manage the vermin problem on their land, having been assured that I was a veracious hunter with finely honed assassin instincts. Unfortunately for them this was a classic case of a "trade description scam", since I believe I came with the descriptor, "Will Ignore You and Destroy Your Furniture for Food". In any event I enjoyed the chase rather than the kill, and my appetite was only heightened by the efforts - capable of eating my weight in Catty kibble, I did not "earn my keep" and was sadly disappointing. 

My semi-feral-lithe-Nemesis is called Mimi and is lauded as a prolific serial killer who prefers to live outside, hates being picked up and is known as The Terminator in rodent circles! I have to admit I am miffed to have been replaced by such a accomplished creature, and am going to keep this information on the Catty-down-low in and about my current 'Hood, because I don't want my hard earned Rep to be destroyed by a GIRL!

In the meantime, the new fitness and diet regime will start today after the weekend soon.....Well, I have to exhaust my current supply of food, before ordering their low fat replacements, don't I (?), since I am always being told that there are Catty-kin in Ethiopia who would be very grateful for my food, if I deign to complain about my owners' offerings!

Until then I shall work on my biceps with a tin of Whiskas in each paw, use my scratching post as a sort of punch bag to work on my upper body strength, and stop snagging morsels from my owners' plates! No more eating between meals either. Now, how many calories are there in spiders, flies and my male owner's slippers?!