My thoughts on England's performance in the World Cup

Now I don't think much of the under-educated-over-paid-megalomaniac-Troglodytes who play football for England, but I observe that Mr. Capello looks like a cat-lover and I am sure he would welcome my thoughts on tactics - cat's are, after all, supreme tacticians and hugely insightful.

The major issue in the players' minds seems to be "the system" they have been using.While rearranging my Whiskas tins to teach my female owner the "off-side rule" I came upon the solution - problems with the system can be rectified by moving Steven Gerrard inside, just behind Wayne Rooney, and bringing Joe Cole into the team on the left-hand side.I honed this strategy further between catty-kibble-time, and washing my ears after supper last night. I do my best thinking when conducting my ablutions.

As for team meetings where the players threaten to tell him what to do (well, as it turns out, just John Terry - who in catty-circles is known as a "bit of a Tom Cat"), it can be both good and bad to have this kind of meeting. But honestly, can you imagine what sort of insights these players will make? Let's face it - if Rooney couldn't play football he would be wearing a fluorescent yellow jacket, sorting the rubbish skips at the local Amenity Dump. Footballers don't "do" good meetings - I am sure when they are asked if they have anything to say, they will have flashbacks to their school days, heads will go down, arms will be firmly folded and there will be incomprehensible mutterings as they shake their heads and leave the room.

Mr. Capello is known to be regimented and a disciplinarian. If his calls to his players for discipline and loyalty don't work, I suggest he utilises "mummy cat" tactics when bringing ill-disciplined kittens into line - grab them by the scruff and bite their ears!