The C-Atkins Diet

This week my male owner decided to begin a new regime of cycling to work as many days of the week as weather would permit. He is naturally athletic, but with a "go faster" gene that resulted last week in a "side swipe" at speed with a "telegraph-type" post (which he said "came from nowhere") - it seems he has discovered a previously unknown phenomenon of animated road "furniture"!. He hopes this week to replace his current bicycle with a super lightweight one-speed road model - he seems to have fooled my female owner with the premise that one speed means less "diversions" in terms of changing gears and taking his eyes off the road, when in fact my wiley catty eye has surmised that this just means that his one speed will now be "go even faster" - we have Accident & Emergency on one-paw-speed dial!

Almira Gulch in "The Wizard of Oz"

For many years my female owner has been seeking the "Holy Grail" - the exact balance of eating the food she loves with as little exercise as possible, that would allow for weight loss of the sort that previously sadly only prisoners of war would be able to attain.

This Holy Grail has escaped her thus far, but bless her, she keeps trying every exercise regime known to Man, hoping she will find the key to success. She continues to cycle around town on her antiquated "step through-sit-up-and-beg" bicycle (10 mile cycle, almost daily) looking like a cross between Miss Marple and Almira Gulch!

I find all this exercise fervour highly amusing - I sleep approximately 16 hours per day and yet maintain my lithe physique, with no need for such lowly exertions. I need no "new fangled" diet regimes to keep my sleek perfection. Cats have for Centuries been "following" the C-Atkins Diet - high protein, very little carbohydrate - it is nothing new - we were there first!

Running around like demented chickens seems crucial for the lesser beings that are dogs - in the wild, they live in packs who run around together all day. When domesticating them, humans used this failing by making them pull carts or sleds all day. Cats never did this and never will! Any self respecting Cat would no more pull a sled, than use the tradesman's entrance, that is the Cat-flap!

Even in our wilder history, we Cats only ever ran flat out to escape from a predator or more likely to catch our prey. For Cats it is all about intensity not duration - quality rather than quantity if you will. We Cats lie around all day plotting and planning, and then explode into action - the fast-twitch fibres (the main kind of muscles Cats have, which are much better at generating short bursts of strength or speed ) in my body mean that I am the Usain Bolt of the animal World, rather than the Haile Gebrselassie.

My owners try and engage me in inanities such as chasing a ball, or toy mouse on a string, but can be easily dissuaded from such embarrassments, by me merely lying down to nonchalantly paw at the toy, or haughtily watch their shenanigans, tip of my tail flicking - this means I am done, and so are they!

My body is a well-honed machine, that converts the food I eat into glucose, ready for that well-timed pounce to my food bowl, twice daily. When I move I am perfection personified - think sleek and fast - you envisage Jaguar (i.e. Cat) Cars - think slow and lumbering, you think Greyhound (i.e. Dog) Bus!

Now if you'll excuse me I need to limber up for my 100m sprint down the stairs to my food bowl - 9 seconds flat - eat you heart out Mr. Bolt!